May 26, 2015

It's Been A While...

The last post I wrote was about attending the VegFest in October 2014... I never mentioned though that I was accompanied by my partner, best friend, soul-mate, hero and husband... I never mentioned that Darryl went to nearly every event with me... Or that he was also a very sick man. 

I was on the phone last night till well after 1 a.m. talking to a dear friend... She suggested that it might be time to return to the concerns that were important in my life before I became Darryl's widow in December.  

I thought once that learning of the injustices regarding species preference was the most painful thing I'd encounter in my life.  Well I never was prepared for how the loss of my truest love would devastate me so. I was a total mess for quite some time. Even now as I return to this laptop/internet after months (lifetimes?) of absence, I journey into the folders of almost forgotten images, and I'm in crisis. Memories, tears, heartache, longing, everything. I miss him terribly. :(  Still. :'(

In my mis-thinking, I wanted to keep this added grief out of the already miserable realities that my online community (family) is already burdened with... I wanted to return "whole" and able. Ready to roll up my sleeves and charge on, exactly where I left off...  But I haven't reached that point and I don't know if I ever will. Sigh. 

Best I can do if any will tolerate, is to work through what I can in ways that may or sometimes may not integrate well with my vegan experience.  I've never mourned a spouse before. I'm still sluggish at seriously caring for anything else more than myself and my poor 51 years-young better half. Yes, I still want to talk about the horrors our species inflicts upon others. The Eternal Treblinka. But sometimes I may just want to talk about Darryl and his influence and support of me. I'd like to talk about how his chef skills adapted to vegan cooking so easily. And how his love of reason and fairness lead him to mindful living... And of all the dogs, cats, birds, snakes, squirrels and cows he rescued... His generosity and kindnesses. Yeah - He was a great guy alright. <3

For now I'm so sorry if I've caused worry... I didn't know how to take this awkward first step back. There are so many variables to catch up to. I intend to try.

Thank you before hand for your concern and tolerance through my silent absence and clumsy apology. I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I'm still here. Still vegan. Still learning. 



17 comments:

veganelder said...

No words can help, I know. I'm aching for you my friend. I'm glad for the return of your posts and I'm sorry for your loss and for the absence of one who was a friend to all Earthlings.

proud womon said...

oh bea i am so very sorry... all i can do is echo veganelder's words and send mental hugs to wrap around you... take care of yourself dear sister...

Bobbie James said...

I had no idea what was going on in your life, even though we are Facebook friends. Every once in awhile I would check on you and I would see that you hadn't posted. I thought about writing, but then decided you were just burned out and needed a break. I'm so sorry you have lost your love. But I am glad you loved him so much and had such a great relationship. I am sure it is hard to even read these sentiments, but I am still happy to see you (in print) and hope your days get better. Anything I can do, anything we can talk about, just let me know.

Love, Barb

Gyps said...

Dear Bea,

Many of us would love to find the words to ease your pain in some way but maybe the only solace is in knowing that there are many of us who care and send our love to you as you traverse this difficult journey. I didn't know Darryl but clearly he is a special man and one who supported you in everything you did. May you continue to feel the comfort of his arms around you and the knowledge that he is, in reality still with you.

Much love,

Gypsy

Gyps said...

Bea...Susan couldn't access your account so I have posted this on her behalf:


Bea Bea Bea.

I hope you can feel the embrace of all of your long-time friends on this blog, who are extending their hearts and hands from wherever they live (as far away as Australia) to your Florida home, giving you one huge hug filled with love and understanding and compassion. I don't mean to speak for us all, but I feel like whatever I say is felt by us all. We share your grief. We treasure whatever fond and happy memories of dear Darryl you treasure. We stand with you and hold you up in every way possible as you move forward step by tentative step.

We know why Darryl loved you so. We love you for the same reasons. (I'll elaborate in a personal email.) We are here for you, just as you have always been here for us and for our creature friends the world over.

One last thought here: There have been countless times in the past few months when I have felt like picking up the phone and dialing your number, hoping that Darryl would answer, sound delighted to be hearing from me, engage me in half-teasing/half-serious chit chat, and then (reluctantly--that's how it always felt) hand the phone over to you. But something told me NOT to call because I felt that if my emails weren't being answered, I shouldn't interfere voice-to-voice. Just know that I've been trusting with all my heart that you *would* come through whatever it was that was keeping you away--and that you were *not* waving farewell to our precious friendship.

May your path get easier, may your memories of Darryl grow even sweeter, and may your creature companions give you reason to smile a little more freely with every passing day.

I love you, Bea. And Darryl, I love you. I think you both know that. You'd better!!!!!!

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Bea Elliott said...

Hi veganelder - I'm figuring if anyone knows the challenges of working through grief you would... There's lots of "stuff" in the head to process even among the other troubles in the world. I hope I'm up for the challenge of the re-build. Thanks for all your support along the way.

Bea Elliott said...

Thank you proud womon - Mental and cyber hugs gladly received and returned. <3

Bea Elliott said...

I appreciate your concern Bobby James... You're right too that I was especially fortunate to have such a soul-mate for so long. He helped make a lot of things easier... Better. But he also picked a fighter/survivor - Can't say its all going to be pretty but I'm making it through day at a time. Your friendship is valued along the way. Thank you.

Bea Elliott said...

Yes Gypsy - Darryl was a super guy indeed. Really ever leave me? Never going to happen. There's enough memories to last into forever... Your kind words are just what I needed to add to that. Thank you.

Bea Elliott said...

Oh Susan wave our friendship aside? Oh No, No!! But if you ever call (still) and get the machine Darryl's voice still sends the message that "We are a meat-free household"... And "If you love animals, don't eat them". It's great to hear his voice - And I'd love to hear yours as well. Anytime...

Thank you for your positive attitude and your love. --- It helps again just like it's done countless times before. <3

have gone vegan said...

Oh Bea, I'm so sorry. I was wondering what had happened, but figured you were taking some time off and didn't want to intrude. Was super pleased to see you'd posted again, but then saw what you'd written about and my heart sank. Daryl sounds like he was one of a kind, and I can certainly understand your devastation. Please take all the time you need to mourn and mend -- we'll all behind you!

Bea Elliott said...

HGV - That's just what I wanted and needed to hear: "take your time". I'm in this kind of quick sand and every time I think I can focus... I run out of speed/energy to do so. I know things will get better because they already have improved since. Thank you for your vote of confidence and your condolences. It empowers me to know I have great people like you who understand. <3

Powered By Produce said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I don't even know you personally - just through the blog - but my heart breaks for you. He sounds like a wonderful man and I'm glad that you've shared memories of him with all of us.

David Ashton said...

Dear Bea, I'm so sorry for your loss, and for being oblivious to your post until now. I don't know what to say, except my heart goes out to you.

D.E.M. said...

Oh Bea, I'm just catching up on the blog world after struggling with a very bad round of depression this winter -- and I just opened this post & It's so beautiful and heartbreaking and I wish I could say something that would come close to commemorating your lovely partner or expressing my fondness for you. With many virtual hugs and kisses from Winnipeg! Dana

Bea Elliott said...

Hello David - No worries about oblivion... I've been there for quite some time too. I've missed your uplifting blog as well - The healing process is not a swift one.
Thank you for your kindnesses. Namaste

Bea Elliott said...

Hi Dana - So sorry that you suffer too. I don't believe there's any good round of depression or a pleasant grief. :( I'm glad we are both struggling on and through it. Your sympathy, friendship and camaraderie is a comfort. Thank you