The last post I wrote was about attending the VegFest in October 2014... I never mentioned though that I was accompanied by my partner, best friend, soul-mate, hero and husband... I never mentioned that Darryl went to nearly every event with me... Or that he was also a very sick man.
I was on the phone last night till well after 1 a.m. talking to a dear friend... She suggested that it might be time to return to the concerns that were important in my life before I became Darryl's widow in December.
I thought once that learning of the injustices regarding species preference was the most painful thing I'd encounter in my life. Well I never was prepared for how the loss of my truest love would devastate me so. I was a total mess for quite some time. Even now as I return to this laptop/internet after months (lifetimes?) of absence, I journey into the folders of almost forgotten images, and I'm in crisis. Memories, tears, heartache, longing, everything. I miss him terribly. :( Still. :'(
In my mis-thinking, I wanted to keep this added grief out of the already miserable realities that my online community (family) is already burdened with... I wanted to return "whole" and able. Ready to roll up my sleeves and charge on, exactly where I left off... But I haven't reached that point and I don't know if I ever will. Sigh.
Best I can do if any will tolerate, is to work through what I can in ways that may or sometimes may not integrate well with my vegan experience. I've never mourned a spouse before. I'm still sluggish at seriously caring for anything else more than myself and my poor 51 years-young better half. Yes, I still want to talk about the horrors our species inflicts upon others. The Eternal Treblinka. But sometimes I may just want to talk about Darryl and his influence and support of me. I'd like to talk about how his chef skills adapted to vegan cooking so easily. And how his love of reason and fairness lead him to mindful living... And of all the dogs, cats, birds, snakes, squirrels and cows he rescued... His generosity and kindnesses. Yeah - He was a great guy alright. <3
For now I'm so sorry if I've caused worry... I didn't know how to take this awkward first step back. There are so many variables to catch up to. I intend to try.
Thank you before hand for your concern and tolerance through my silent absence and clumsy apology. I didn't mean to be gone for so long. I'm still here. Still vegan. Still learning.