Okay all you bird cooking, turkey munching fans - Looks like today's your big day! The pressure's all on YOU, especially the chef/cook extraordinaire!
Here's assuming you've either found your thawed "fresh" bird (which could incidentally be up to 2 years "fresh"), or that you've dedicated a shelf in your refrigerator for a week or so, in order to defrost the carcass... You've made a meat locker of sorts in your fridge haven't you? Oh how cozy and inviting that must have felt when you went to grab your grapes or mustard. :/
Next we know you've absolutely got your recipe down on what ingredients you're going to stuff into the anal cavity to bake your special ass-bread. And make sure too that you pat that corpse down with all the right plant based seasoning, spices, flavorings and herbs... Wouldn't want a plain-old bland tasting bird - now would you?
Make sure you've sufficiently slaved over the hot oven, basting often with that stolen dairy butter. Burning one's own flesh on the rack or roasting pan is appropriate as well. The point is that this MUST be the meal a lifetime! It MUST be worth every single step of work, agony, and pain. For that's what it cost someone else.
Indeed, this meal MUST be so good that the stolen life MUST be removed from the consciousness of the diners. And what a relief that you didn't have to pay the hit-man directly! The unseen, invisible life-snuffer won't whisper a word about your pact. We'll have no momentary regrets or memories of the knife that slit the bird's neck. No snippet of thought that his/her entire life was pure misery. No... This is how deliciously decadent and juicy your turkey MUST be. It MUST be better than life - for that's what it cost. Someone's life.
You mustn't fail in any of these steps... The bird MUST be cooked to perfection. The aroma MUST bring the house down with groans of anticipation. It MUST be a visual Norman Rockwell portrayal of wholesomeness and down-home goodness. It MUST deliver and impart an atmosphere of sheer contentment and peace. 'Cause that's what the holiday is all about right? Being thankful for peace? But... But isn't that going to be very, very hard to pull off, even with your perfectly roasted and beautifully trimmed, murdered centerpiece? We sure hope no one remembers the violence it took to get this MUST-have, perfect meal going...
No. You're just going to have to do your best to cook and host the most delightful, worry-free, fantasy-meal of a lifetime. Because that's what it cost someone else. It cost them everything. It cost them their life. You MUST bring this bird's whole life existence and ending to culminate in an equal value or more of what it cost. If not, it's a sacrifice. It's a sham. A fraud. A waste. And a pity.
You MUST make this meal - Better than life itself: You MUST do the impossible!
No pressure now. Eat heartily... And watch for those small, sharp bones.